This week I was surprised to find myself with an old familiar friend…anxiety. Just when I think I’ve kicked something in the butt, it comes back at the most unexpected times to teach me a lesson. I have made incredible headway in this area over the last year and so I was shocked to find myself crying in bed yet again.
I guess I should have known this may be coming. I have been doing SO well over the last 2 months and I had begun to question if it was all just a fluke. I’ve never felt this good for this long (I’m talking 10+ years!!) and so I keep expecting the other shoe to drop. Surely I’m not actually, like, better. This has got to end sometime.
I found myself obsessively checking my skin to make sure my psoriasis and cysts weren’t coming back. I would sigh with relief every time I passed the test. I was waiting for my stomach to hurt after every meal and yet the pain never came.
As I was laying in bed one night I realized I had been playing the same old tapes in my head. Over and over again I would hear, “You will never really be well”, “You’re going to get sick soon”, “Enjoy this while it lasts.”
Once I recognized this, I stopped the playback and started asking myself, “Why am I anxious?”, “What am I supposed to learn in this?” and most importantly, “What do I need to do so I can release this fear?” I could have given in to the temptation to feel like a failure or that I was totally backslidden. Instead I chose to embrace my fear, work with it, and figure out what was going on.
Turns out all I needed was some gentle reminders from myself that I am well. First, I gave myself the grace to feel the pain. Then, instead of pushing back against it, I made sure to really breathe into the fear during my meditations the next couple of days and to pump up the gratitude exercises. I reminded myself that it’s OK for me to trust that I am well and to rest in that place.
You see, I think its all about embracing the hard stuff when it comes. There is a reason it’s there and it’s not because the world is against you. It’s almost always because there is something to be learned, a need for growth and to be pushed to the next level. Once we can release the fear (anger, anxiety, sadness, disbelief, etc.) it takes away it’s power over us.
It’s not about getting to a place where you never have problems again. That will never happen. It’s about realizing these roadblocks are there for a purpose and using them to propel you. If you change your story and become curious about what’s going on instead of resisting it, you can change your entire paradigm in a heartbeat. Curiosity is where hardship ends and healing begins.
What do you do when you find yourself falling into old patterns? How are you able to move out of negativity and into hope? Let me know in the comments below.
Today I choose to embrace my fears and release their power over me.